Lily Allen Jewellery

This upsets me. Lily Allen, when will you learn? No-one loved Lily Loves... In fact, Beth Ditto sold more for New Look than you and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to look like her. You ruined pastel coloured Ray-Bans for everybody and did for Chanel what Daniella Westbrook did for Burberry. And yet you release a jewellery line? I know this is old news but I never gave it the attention it deserves. I can picture the scene: Lily is sitting in a large office surrounded by a bunch of fat men in pin-striped suits. She keeps checking her Blackberry and is loudly chewing gum. She puts her feet up on the head fat-cat's desk and he thinks "God, this girl is awful. I can't believe my daughter likes her. Hold on. I'm getting paid to help her, but she takes money from the teenager I support. So, really she's taking my money. And I'm forty-five with a degree from Oxford and she graduated from the University of Myspace. I hate my life."

Fat Cat: Lily?
Lily Allen: Yeah? What?
Fat Cat: You've got to decide what symbols you like.
Lily Allen: For what?
Fat Cat: For your new jewellery line... remember?
Lily Allen: For New Look?
Fat Cat: No, not for New Look. Just because... Look, we've been here for an hour...
Lily Allen: Yeah, yeah. Allright (Still). What's my choice?
Fat Cat: Just flick through the options book will you? Here...
(He passes her the options books and she flicks through it, a strained expression on her face. It's almost like she's concentrating or something.)
Lily Allen: Hhmmm..
Fat Cat: Well? Which ones do you like?
Lily Allen: I hate them all.
Fat Cat: You hate them all? Come come, now. Have another look.
Lily Allen: I've looked, allright? They're all shit.
(The sound of nervous shuffles fill the room. Fat Cat clears his throat.)
Fat Cat: But Lily, you can't have missed the winking smiley faces? Oh, look here... A flamingo! How quirky it is!
Lily Allen: Quirky?
Fat Cat: Yes, quirky. Oh, and look. Coins. How kitsch it could be!
Lily Allen: Kitsch? My songs are kitsch, you know. I write about penises and exes that are shit in bed and stuff.
Fat Cat: Well, there you go. All of this matches your style, don't you think?
Lily Allen: I don't know... I mean, I'm thinking about quitting the net and want to set up my own Record Label... And I only really wear black now... I'm growing up, you know?
Fat Cat: Peaches Geldof has her own jewellery line...
Lily Allen: Shit yeah... Flamingos and coins are fine. You're right, they are so me. Tacky yet classy. 'Cos you know, I'm a cockney from public school.
Fat Cat: Exactly. This is all your vision, Lily. You've made great choices.
Lily Allen: Yeah, you're right. I'm so clever. Can I piss off now?
Fat Cat: Of course you can. See you at our next meeting, Miss Allen.
Lily Allen: Meeting for what? What the fuck? Twitter keeps freezing...
(Lily Allen walks off into the distance and Fat Cat wonders how successfully a tie can act as a noose.)


What is that green thing? It looks like an infected vagina. I'm assuming it's not. It's probably a pear or something. But why? And who would buy it? Look at her in the picture below. She's either laughing at the idiots stupid enough to buy her hideous pieces or she's laughing through the pain of having to wear them herself. Now she knows how we feel.

Cheryl Cole and L'Oreal

Speaking of celebrity endorsements, I've just seen Cheryl Cole's new L'Oreal advert. In it she tells us how to combat 'weak, limp, lifeless' hair. I'm assuming 'hair' is a euphemism for Cheryl's 'personality'. Also, that is probably the most airbrushed photo I have ever seen. In case you haven't guessed, I just don't get Chezza's appeal at all. She has as much spark as a bowl of porridge but omg can the girl has a great stylist! I have the Cheryl's answer to weak, limp and lifeless hair: extensions.

Pointless Celebrity Endorsements

Beyonce Knowles - Crystal Geyser Water

Phew, doing anything for money sure makes you thirsty! Luckily, Beyonce has a bottle of Crystal Geyser Water on hand to wet her whistle. In the advert, Beyonce runs and spins around in a silver sparkly dress singing her 'Sweet Dreams' song whilst clutching a bottle of the pretentious water like it's her saviour, best friend, boyfriend or all three. As she twirls, the magical liquid swirls around her and she splashes it away with her trademark puhzazz. What the hell is going on? She rubs the bottle against her chest, perches it on her shoulder like a parrot and looks completely awkward. She's probably never had one sip of it in her life. She only likes to hold it and dance with it. The advert was filmed in Japan and she probably thought 'At least no-one in America will see it!' Shame about the internet. We now all know that Beyonce will put her name on anything. Hang on, we already knew that. House of Derion anyone?

Kim Cattrall - Earl Grey Tea

I understand that life after playing one of the most famous TV characters in recent times can be tough. Type-cast and bored, you needs that role that will change it all. Something gritty, challenging, controversial perhaps? Or maybe something that shows your sensitive side or ability to put on a good Scottish accent? Lets get your name back out there, Kim. I can see it in lights: 'Kim Cattrall as you've never seen her before... First came the Sex, then the City, now the drugs? Oh, you didn't get the part? The murder? Oh, they gave it to Jessica Alba?. The treachory? You didn't even bother to go to the audition? Hhmmm... I've got it! The tea! Samantha who?

Jessica Simpson - Proactiv

This one is so embarrassing. It's like Jessica was thinking "The world watched as my marriage fell apart, took the piss out of me in high waisted jeans, made fun of my giant mouth (maybe that's just me!).... How else can I make a fool out of myself?" Admit you have really bad acne and star in one of the cheesiest adverts on TV is a good start. It's bad enough that you're ugly sister had a nose job and now looks better than you but now the whole world can count the number of spots on your face. The product must work though. Look at her skin in this picture. It's so smooth and creamy! And her teeth are so white. And her hair is so shiny. And she has no bags or lines on her face. And she almost looks like a cartoon. Hey, wait a minute...


Gordon Ramsay - Gordon's Gin

This is just lazy! Gordon's name is Gordon. And the gin's name is Gordon. OMG! I totally get it! They have the same name, which obviously means that Ramsay loves the alcoholic bevvy and wants us all buy it. This giant billboard was outside my house in Manchester for about six months. Everytime I washed up I could see Gordon's liney face staring angrily at me, his puffy eyes penetrating into mine. It almost lead me to drink so I suppose the advert kind of worked. Notice how the product they're selling has been shrunk and is poking up at the bottom of the poster. They couldn't even be bothered to put a full picture of the bottle on it! If you were really far away all you'd see it a giant picture of Gordon's face and the word 'average' next to it and you'd think 'yeah, that's so true. He is average. All he does is swear and have affairs. I'll stick to Pierre Marco-White. At least he's sexy!' Average is the most offensive word in the English language? I can think of two more. One begins with G and the other begins with R.

George Clooney - Nespresso

Unfortunately, Kim Cattrall was really convincing in that Earl Grey advert, so I'm more of a tea girl than an espresso girl. Oh wait. George Clooney is the face of Nespresso? This is so wierd. All of a sudden I'm craving coffee. I mean, if George drinks it, I want to drink it too. Come on. George Clooney? Really? Could it get any more random? Looks how he's tapping the little capsule of coffee!

Coffee Capsule: I'm so depressed.

George Clooney: Why, coffee capsule?

Coffee Capsule: I've been in Hollywood for ten years. Where's my big break?

George Clooney: Don't worry, something will come up soon.

Coffee Capsule: But when? Is starring in this advert the best I can do? I was trained under the philosophy of Stanislavski for God's sake.

George Clooney: Stanis who?

Coffee Capsule: Never mind.

George Clooney: Come on, Capsule, it's not that bad! We're getting paid millions just to sit and pretend to drink coffee. I mean, I don't even like coffee! No offence.

Coffee Capsule: You're getting paid millions? I'm getting nothing. Nothing! *Starts Crying*

George Clooney: *Tap Tap* There, there Coffee Capsule. There, there. *Tap tap*

BlogSpotted: Go Fug Yourself

I don't know how you feel, but I am liking Heatworld and E!Online less and less. I mean, they're not that funny and don't take the piss out of celebs enough. Which is why I adore www.gofugyourself.celebuzz.com.

'Fugly is the new pretty' is their motto and it encourages bloggers to debate over certain wardrobe malfunctions and fashion faux pas of the rich and famous. I love their section 'Random Fug' where people like Keisha from the Sugababes, Danielle Lloyd, Alice Dellal and Rebecca Ryan (you know, Debbeh from Shamelss!) get absolutely rinsed with sentences like:

This kid is going to look at this picture in five years and be like, "Seriously, you people let me wear that? Why? What is wrong with you? I WAS NOT DANCING IN THE NUTCRACKER."

http://gofugyourself.celebuzz.com/go_fug_yourself/random_fug