Lily Allen Jewellery

This upsets me. Lily Allen, when will you learn? No-one loved Lily Loves... In fact, Beth Ditto sold more for New Look than you and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to look like her. You ruined pastel coloured Ray-Bans for everybody and did for Chanel what Daniella Westbrook did for Burberry. And yet you release a jewellery line? I know this is old news but I never gave it the attention it deserves. I can picture the scene: Lily is sitting in a large office surrounded by a bunch of fat men in pin-striped suits. She keeps checking her Blackberry and is loudly chewing gum. She puts her feet up on the head fat-cat's desk and he thinks "God, this girl is awful. I can't believe my daughter likes her. Hold on. I'm getting paid to help her, but she takes money from the teenager I support. So, really she's taking my money. And I'm forty-five with a degree from Oxford and she graduated from the University of Myspace. I hate my life."

Fat Cat: Lily?
Lily Allen: Yeah? What?
Fat Cat: You've got to decide what symbols you like.
Lily Allen: For what?
Fat Cat: For your new jewellery line... remember?
Lily Allen: For New Look?
Fat Cat: No, not for New Look. Just because... Look, we've been here for an hour...
Lily Allen: Yeah, yeah. Allright (Still). What's my choice?
Fat Cat: Just flick through the options book will you? Here...
(He passes her the options books and she flicks through it, a strained expression on her face. It's almost like she's concentrating or something.)
Lily Allen: Hhmmm..
Fat Cat: Well? Which ones do you like?
Lily Allen: I hate them all.
Fat Cat: You hate them all? Come come, now. Have another look.
Lily Allen: I've looked, allright? They're all shit.
(The sound of nervous shuffles fill the room. Fat Cat clears his throat.)
Fat Cat: But Lily, you can't have missed the winking smiley faces? Oh, look here... A flamingo! How quirky it is!
Lily Allen: Quirky?
Fat Cat: Yes, quirky. Oh, and look. Coins. How kitsch it could be!
Lily Allen: Kitsch? My songs are kitsch, you know. I write about penises and exes that are shit in bed and stuff.
Fat Cat: Well, there you go. All of this matches your style, don't you think?
Lily Allen: I don't know... I mean, I'm thinking about quitting the net and want to set up my own Record Label... And I only really wear black now... I'm growing up, you know?
Fat Cat: Peaches Geldof has her own jewellery line...
Lily Allen: Shit yeah... Flamingos and coins are fine. You're right, they are so me. Tacky yet classy. 'Cos you know, I'm a cockney from public school.
Fat Cat: Exactly. This is all your vision, Lily. You've made great choices.
Lily Allen: Yeah, you're right. I'm so clever. Can I piss off now?
Fat Cat: Of course you can. See you at our next meeting, Miss Allen.
Lily Allen: Meeting for what? What the fuck? Twitter keeps freezing...
(Lily Allen walks off into the distance and Fat Cat wonders how successfully a tie can act as a noose.)


What is that green thing? It looks like an infected vagina. I'm assuming it's not. It's probably a pear or something. But why? And who would buy it? Look at her in the picture below. She's either laughing at the idiots stupid enough to buy her hideous pieces or she's laughing through the pain of having to wear them herself. Now she knows how we feel.