Up!

On Saturday me and my man went to see Up! 3D in Covent Garden. The words that spring to mind are 'go' and 'see' and 'it'. It was absolutely brilliant! The attention to detail was unreal, like the typically sophisticated fur and fabric that Pixar do so well. I liked it because it didn't feel too much like a hightech animation, though. There are moments when it seemed like a cartoon, the house bieng a good example of that. This meant the film had charm and innocence, reminiscent of Toy Story, and it also meant that the audience could focus on the story as opposed to the advancement of animation since the last film.

Oh God, I started to cry within the first five minutes. Gah, it's so sad. My 3D glasses were steaming up (as if I needed another reason to look like an absolute nerd) and my makeup was ruined by the end of it. And I actually 'LOL-ed' (which is something I don't usually do in public, especially when others are laughing too. I find communal happiness very cringe-worthy. Is that wierd?) many times, and it's not even catered towards my sense of humour.

You've got to see this film. It's an incredibly fun way to pass a couple of hours and you might come away with more then you bargained for...

Films you should never see...

Obsessed, 2009

When I saw this film the only thing I was obsessed with was finding the exit. Beyonce and her man are oh so happy and don't they want us to know it! They've got a kid and have bought a new house in suburbia. Omg! Could it get any more perfect? Of course it can't! A home-wrecking slut tries to ruin their lives by coming on to Beyonce's man at... the office Christmas party, of course! She gets more scary; telling people she's his wife, following him on business trips and scariest of all, sneaking into his house to sprinkle rose pettles on the bed. Aaahhhh! It's so scary!

Beyonce starts off all sweet and homely, as if she's watched too many episodes of Dezzy Wives. But perhaps producers thought she would alienate certain viewers, so all of a sudden she becomes incredibly ghetto shouting things like 'Bitch, I know you di-ehnt' and 'No skinny ass ho' is gonna steal my man.' It's all very odd and incredibly awful and Beyonce gave the one of worst performances of the whole year so far. Nice one, girlfriend!

Beyonce: I hope he won't notice I just let one rip...

Idris Elba: Sniff, sniff. What the...?

Georgia Rule, 2007

They should have made it a rule to never, ever let anyone release this horrific mess of a film. Lindsay Lohan plays a slut *insert obvious joke here* who goes to stay at her granny, Georgia's house (no, her last name is not Rule, it's just a saying duh). The town she's stranded in is sleepy and quiet and, well, Linds is just a city girl who wants to have fun. She makes passes at older men, smokes (oooh naughty!) and alienates all the girls around her. She also has issues with her mum, Felicity Huffman, who drinks a lot and wears a very odd wig halfway through the film. Of course, they break down walls, reveal their deepest (shallowest) souls and out Lindsay's child abuse pain, caused by her step-dad. Granny, mum and Lindsay come together and live happily ever after. Rigid acting, pointless script and a sense that the actors are cringing all the way through makes horrible viewing.

Male-Model Turned Actor: So this is how you got The Parent Trap!

Lindsay Lohan: Gulp.

Rumour Has It, 2005

Probably the most surreal storyline ever created in the history of really, really bad rom-coms. Jennifer plays Sarah Huttinger who finds out The Graduate is based on her dead mother and grandmother's affair with a man named Beau Burroughs. Always feeling different from her family, it dawns on her that because her mother had an affair with Beau (Costner), he might be her father.

With the knowledge that this man shagged her mum and her nan, she goes to find him to get some answers. He's not her dad (he's impotent due to a hockey accident or something) so she sleeps with him.

They have an affair until she meets... HIS SON. So he's not impotent? Omg, Jennifer just slept with her dad! For most people, that kind of thing generally leads to therapy or suicide, but Jen just has a brief 30 second freak-out moment until she finds out the kid's adopted. Phew! Anyway, she dumps him and sorts her family life out and all is great. The wierdest bit is when she tells her sister the story and she goes 'You slept with dad? Eeewww!' completely casually. These people are freaks.

Kevin Costner: Don't shay my career is ovah. Hiccup. Thish ish a ggrreaat film. Hiccup.

Jennifer Anniston: I miss Friends...

Match Point, 2005

Woody Allen, what the hell were you thinking? How can you not see that Match Point is a horrible, horrible film? The acting, the script, the over-dramatic story line. Oh, it's too much to bare! Chris Wilton is a tennis pro (with the wierdest Irish/English/French accent I have ever heard) moves to posh London to teach tennis. Geddit? Match Point? Anywho, he meets posho Tom and his boring posho sister Chloe, who he dates. He meets Tom's, oh-so deep American actress girlfriend Nola (Johansson) and embarks on an affair. It all gets out of control. She gets up the duff and all of a sudden transforms into a nagging, self-loathing, obessesive mistress set to ruin Chris's life. So 0bviously he shoots her and her neighbour for shits and gigs. Honestly, it all comes out of nowhere.

The script is hilarious. It's almost as if they're improvising and the scenes are way to long. Allen, who usually always gets his environments spot on, paints London in a one dimensional light. It seems snobby, unrealistc and fake. Much like the film itself. It's a puke-fest. Don't bother.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: We're talking about ping-pong. Interesting, huh?

Scarlett Johansson: ZZzzzzzzz......

Films you've got to see...

Woody Allen's Interiors, 1978

Perhaps a more obscure choice of Woody Allen's films, but this is one of my favourites. A haunting story of three sisters dealing with the seperation of their parents and their mother's increasingly disturbed mind. This is no comedy, but the cinematography is gorgeous. The stills could be wonderful photographs in their own right. It's cold and bleak, the storyline distressing yet enthralling, and the aesthetics are perfect. The greys and cold blues mirror what the characters feel inside and their clothes even match the rooms they are in. Out of all Allen's films, make sure you see this one.


Jean-Luc Godard's Alphaville, 1965

Ah, this film is amazing. Forget all the CGI, green screen, simulation stuff (did I say all that right? I'm always afraid of sounding like a middle aged dad...) and appreciate a film with no special effects; just perfect vision and creative timing. Set in the future, a planet called Alphaville (actually the night-time streets of Paris) is in danger of bieng destroyed by Lemmy Caution, along with its creator Alpha 60 (don't worry that's a good thing.) I won't go into too much detail of the plot, you just have to see it for yourself. Perfect choreography, costumes and cinematography make this film one of a kind and even the tiniest details have been thought of by Godard (a scene where Anna Karena runs through a giant building and seperate lights flash in time with the music springs to mind). Also take note of Kelly Osbourne's 'One Word' music video homage to the film. On second thoughts, don't.


Jean-Luc Godard's Une Femme est Une Femme, 1961

Still want to give Godard a try but fancy something lighter? This is the film to see. The New Wave film centres around Angela and her lover Emile. She wants a baby, he does not. Throw in a best friend with the hots for Angela and you've got a problem. Deliciously colourful, fun and yet sensitive this film is probably my fave of Godard's. Also, notice the music change as the characters do. It mirrors their emotions, which is a beautiful touch.


Jim Jarmusch's, Stranger than Paradise, 1984

I first saw this film at University and loved it. It's a three-bit feature length (the first part inspired the second two seperately), where hipster Willie's life changes as his Hungarian cousin Eva comes to stay. Along with his friend Eddie, the three embark on road-trips, gambling and listen to music. Completely of its time and yet so relatable to the now, this dead-pan comedy is utterly brilliant. Jazz musician John Luria plays Willie, former Sonic Youth drummer, Richard Edson, plays Eddie and Hungarian It-Girl of the '80's, Eszter Balint plays Eva. It's funny, subtle and oh-so-cool. Go see it!


Pedro Almodovar's Talk to Her, 2002

My favourite Almodovar film. Two men (Marco and Benigno) meet in hospital and wait for their loves to come out of their comas. However, all is not as it should be. Marco loves Alicia, and dedicates all his time to her almost lifeless body. He bathes her, sings to her and changes her underwear. But Marco is not her husband nor her boyfriend. He works at the hospital and things become intense and disturbing when he is accused of rape. The film follows the journey of these two men whose lives intertwine in a story of lust, immorality and friendship. An amazing film, which is beautifully shot. Get it on DVD and get ready to perch on the edge of your seat!

Julie Delpy's 2 Days in Paris, 2007

Whilst taking a tour around Italy, lovers Marion and Jack stop off in Paris to collect their pet cat from Marion's parents. They decide to spend two days in Paris, where American Jack becomes more paranoid by the second. Meeting Marion's eccentric parents was interesting, if slightly uncomfortable, but when old boyfriends continually come out of the woodwork, Jack reaches his limit. Watch how he tries to decipher what French speaking Marion and her ex-lovers say, what a certain touch of a shoulder means or an over-enthusiastic laugh. Laugh as earnest Americans ask for directions and eco-warriors blow up fast food restuarants. It's a completely hilarious film. The script is well-written, the cast is perfect and the clash of European and American culture is brilliant to watch. Can Marion and Jack survive two days in Paris? Watch it and find out.