Phew, doing anything for money sure makes you thirsty! Luckily, Beyonce has a bottle of Crystal Geyser Water on hand to wet her whistle. In the advert, Beyonce runs and spins around in a silver sparkly dress singing her 'Sweet Dreams' song whilst clutching a bottle of the pretentious water like it's her saviour, best friend, boyfriend or all three. As she twirls, the magical liquid swirls around her and she splashes it away with her trademark puhzazz. What the hell is going on? She rubs the bottle against her chest, perches it on her shoulder like a parrot and looks completely awkward. She's probably never had one sip of it in her life. She only likes to hold it and dance with it. The advert was filmed in Japan and she probably thought 'At least no-one in America will see it!' Shame about the internet. We now all know that Beyonce will put her name on anything. Hang on, we already knew that. House of Derion anyone?
Kim Cattrall - Earl Grey Tea
I understand that life after playing one of the most famous TV characters in recent times can be tough. Type-cast and bored, you needs that role that will change it all. Something gritty, challenging, controversial perhaps? Or maybe something that shows your sensitive side or ability to put on a good Scottish accent? Lets get your name back out there, Kim. I can see it in lights: 'Kim Cattrall as you've never seen her before... First came the Sex, then the City, now the drugs? Oh, you didn't get the part? The murder? Oh, they gave it to Jessica Alba?. The treachory? You didn't even bother to go to the audition? Hhmmm... I've got it! The tea! Samantha who?
Jessica Simpson - Proactiv
This one is so embarrassing. It's like Jessica was thinking "The world watched as my marriage fell apart, took the piss out of me in high waisted jeans, made fun of my giant mouth (maybe that's just me!).... How else can I make a fool out of myself?" Admit you have really bad acne and star in one of the cheesiest adverts on TV is a good start. It's bad enough that you're ugly sister had a nose job and now looks better than you but now the whole world can count the number of spots on your face. The product must work though. Look at her skin in this picture. It's so smooth and creamy! And her teeth are so white. And her hair is so shiny. And she has no bags or lines on her face. And she almost looks like a cartoon. Hey, wait a minute...
Gordon Ramsay - Gordon's Gin
This is just lazy! Gordon's name is Gordon. And the gin's name is Gordon. OMG! I totally get it! They have the same name, which obviously means that Ramsay loves the alcoholic bevvy and wants us all buy it. This giant billboard was outside my house in Manchester for about six months. Everytime I washed up I could see Gordon's liney face staring angrily at me, his puffy eyes penetrating into mine. It almost lead me to drink so I suppose the advert kind of worked. Notice how the product they're selling has been shrunk and is poking up at the bottom of the poster. They couldn't even be bothered to put a full picture of the bottle on it! If you were really far away all you'd see it a giant picture of Gordon's face and the word 'average' next to it and you'd think 'yeah, that's so true. He is average. All he does is swear and have affairs. I'll stick to Pierre Marco-White. At least he's sexy!' Average is the most offensive word in the English language? I can think of two more. One begins with G and the other begins with R.
George Clooney - Nespresso
Unfortunately, Kim Cattrall was really convincing in that Earl Grey advert, so I'm more of a tea girl than an espresso girl. Oh wait. George Clooney is the face of Nespresso? This is so wierd. All of a sudden I'm craving coffee. I mean, if George drinks it, I want to drink it too. Come on. George Clooney? Really? Could it get any more random? Looks how he's tapping the little capsule of coffee!
Coffee Capsule: I'm so depressed.
George Clooney: Why, coffee capsule?
Coffee Capsule: I've been in Hollywood for ten years. Where's my big break?
George Clooney: Don't worry, something will come up soon.
Coffee Capsule: But when? Is starring in this advert the best I can do? I was trained under the philosophy of Stanislavski for God's sake.
George Clooney: Stanis who?
Coffee Capsule: Never mind.
George Clooney: Come on, Capsule, it's not that bad! We're getting paid millions just to sit and pretend to drink coffee. I mean, I don't even like coffee! No offence.
Coffee Capsule: You're getting paid millions? I'm getting nothing. Nothing! *Starts Crying*
George Clooney: *Tap Tap* There, there Coffee Capsule. There, there. *Tap tap*
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