Lily Allen Jewellery

This upsets me. Lily Allen, when will you learn? No-one loved Lily Loves... In fact, Beth Ditto sold more for New Look than you and I'm pretty sure nobody wants to look like her. You ruined pastel coloured Ray-Bans for everybody and did for Chanel what Daniella Westbrook did for Burberry. And yet you release a jewellery line? I know this is old news but I never gave it the attention it deserves. I can picture the scene: Lily is sitting in a large office surrounded by a bunch of fat men in pin-striped suits. She keeps checking her Blackberry and is loudly chewing gum. She puts her feet up on the head fat-cat's desk and he thinks "God, this girl is awful. I can't believe my daughter likes her. Hold on. I'm getting paid to help her, but she takes money from the teenager I support. So, really she's taking my money. And I'm forty-five with a degree from Oxford and she graduated from the University of Myspace. I hate my life."

Fat Cat: Lily?
Lily Allen: Yeah? What?
Fat Cat: You've got to decide what symbols you like.
Lily Allen: For what?
Fat Cat: For your new jewellery line... remember?
Lily Allen: For New Look?
Fat Cat: No, not for New Look. Just because... Look, we've been here for an hour...
Lily Allen: Yeah, yeah. Allright (Still). What's my choice?
Fat Cat: Just flick through the options book will you? Here...
(He passes her the options books and she flicks through it, a strained expression on her face. It's almost like she's concentrating or something.)
Lily Allen: Hhmmm..
Fat Cat: Well? Which ones do you like?
Lily Allen: I hate them all.
Fat Cat: You hate them all? Come come, now. Have another look.
Lily Allen: I've looked, allright? They're all shit.
(The sound of nervous shuffles fill the room. Fat Cat clears his throat.)
Fat Cat: But Lily, you can't have missed the winking smiley faces? Oh, look here... A flamingo! How quirky it is!
Lily Allen: Quirky?
Fat Cat: Yes, quirky. Oh, and look. Coins. How kitsch it could be!
Lily Allen: Kitsch? My songs are kitsch, you know. I write about penises and exes that are shit in bed and stuff.
Fat Cat: Well, there you go. All of this matches your style, don't you think?
Lily Allen: I don't know... I mean, I'm thinking about quitting the net and want to set up my own Record Label... And I only really wear black now... I'm growing up, you know?
Fat Cat: Peaches Geldof has her own jewellery line...
Lily Allen: Shit yeah... Flamingos and coins are fine. You're right, they are so me. Tacky yet classy. 'Cos you know, I'm a cockney from public school.
Fat Cat: Exactly. This is all your vision, Lily. You've made great choices.
Lily Allen: Yeah, you're right. I'm so clever. Can I piss off now?
Fat Cat: Of course you can. See you at our next meeting, Miss Allen.
Lily Allen: Meeting for what? What the fuck? Twitter keeps freezing...
(Lily Allen walks off into the distance and Fat Cat wonders how successfully a tie can act as a noose.)


What is that green thing? It looks like an infected vagina. I'm assuming it's not. It's probably a pear or something. But why? And who would buy it? Look at her in the picture below. She's either laughing at the idiots stupid enough to buy her hideous pieces or she's laughing through the pain of having to wear them herself. Now she knows how we feel.

New York, New York, It's a hell of a town

I am unemployed. I'm living in a recession. I can just about afford train fare into London and have to hitch-hike my way back into the sticks. I walk through Selfridges and Liberty drooling and walk out wiping my tears away with my empty hands. I desperately want a Longchamp bag and screamed with envy when I heard my dear friend has just bought one. I take pleasure in the fact my parents pay for the internet, so at least I can go on their website and design my own make believe one (You totally can do that. You can even get your name sewn on! http://www.longchamp.com/en/home-e-shopping/home-sur-mesure-usa-560.html) I yearn to douse myelf in Jo Malone's Vanilla and Asise (God I love that smell!) and buy every necklace Alex Monroe has ever created and yet I smell of my cat and make my own jewellry with dry pasta and string. But hang on a minute... in two weeks time I will be on a terrifying plane journey to New York!!

I struggled with the decision. I should be job hunting instead of Bloomingdales hunting, right? Well, not really. For the past month I have been researching everything you can do for free or really, really on the cheap and I have found some fantastic things. I have been to New York three times before and wanted to do something different. So this trip will not include the Empire State Building or Ground Zero. I will not wait in line at the M & M store in Times Square nor will I take a ferry to visit the Statue of Liberty. Instead I will be venturing into the unknown; the equally brilliant, equally stylish, equally interesting things to do in New York for half the price and I cannot wait. Oh, I've found some quirky things to do and I will share them with you on my blog in case you ever fancy taking a bite of the Big Apple sometime in the future. Keep checking, you might find something you like.

Conversations with Glenda Bailey, Fashion Museum, NYC

On November 19th (my birthday, in case any of you want to send me a pressie via facebook) Glenda Bailey will be talking with an audience at the Museum of Fashion, NYC. I have reserved two seats. I know I'm on holiday and it's my birthday but if you don't know who Glenda Bailey is you will soon understand why. She is the Editor in Chief of Harper's Bazaar (USA) and all round fashion journalism icon. It is also completely free (whoever said you have to spend a fortune in NYC is a bloody liar. Or they work for the tourist board and have had dollar signs for pupils ever since Sex and the City came out).

Bailey, originally from Derby, was the launch Editor of Marie Claire and became editor of US Marie Claire, in 1996. Known as the 'ultimate editor', Bailey was appointed the role of Editor in Chief for US Harper's when sales were flagging after its radical change in design and content. It was Bailey's job to bring it back to its old ways and regain the loyal readers without alienating the new ones. And boy did she do it! Sales were down 7.5% when she arrived, and the mag is now selling better than ever. She even managed to get Donatella Versace do to an interview with her immensely private daughter which no magazine was able to do before. I'm telling you, the woman is a legend!

The talk goes on for two hours and I'm already preparing my questions. She's one of those 'role model' types for me but I'm not doing her justice at all. Read this article on her, it's very interesting...

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/media/glenda-bailey-woman-at-work-530221.html

This is just one amazing thing I plan to do in NYC... and it's completely free. Hoorah!

Hotel Monterey, Japan

I read a couple of weeks ago that a Japanese hotel has built a replica of a 100 year old Herefordshire church on its 21st floor. The church caters towards those in Japan who are more into the Western style wedding, which is apparently becoming more popular in the East. The church was built with the help of laser cameras, which ensured it's dimensions where exactly the same, and it even has a tiny bell tower which rings after weddings. I know I wouldn't want my room anywhere near the thing (how bloody annoying would the bell be?), but it's a totally cute, and pretty genius idea.

Musical Saturday

I'm ever so sorry for the non-existant Musical Friday. I just get so caught up in living my wonderful life I simply don't have the time. OK, ok I forgot. So I thought we'd do it a little different. I'm always suffering De Ja Vu when it comes to mainstream music. The same hooks, melodies, backing tracks over and over again like a musical Groundhog Day really get my goat. Here's a few recent examples of blatant copying. Or at least milking the 'artistic liscence' idea for all it's worth.

The choruses are exactly the same...

Lily Allen - Who'd Have Known?



Take That - Shine



Again, pretty similar chorus. It sounds like the same backing track...

Pixie Lott - Boys and Girls



Rhianna - Shut Up and Drive



Apparently she's getting sueud for ripping off Kelis. They are very similar. You can sing Chezza's song over Kelis's and it's the perfect fit.

Chreyl Cole - Fight For this Love (Embedding disabled by bloody request.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvp32_5xXQA&feature=related

Kelis - L'il Star



These two songs have identical time frames, and sound exactly the same when it comes to the bridge. Go to 2.30 on Black Eyed Peas and around 2.06 on the Sugababes. You can say 'Let the Beat rroooccckk' in that wierd, retarded way over the song and wouldn't even notice it's the Sugababes. Sounds like a good idea to me!

Sugababes - Get Sexy



Black Eyed Peas - Boom Boom Pow

Shunt Lounge and Theatre Company

According to their website, Shunt is a 'collective of ten artists creating large-scale performance events in unexpected, abandoned or derelict buildings throughout London.' They are now performing at Shunt Lounge, which is basically loads of interlinking railway arches (which used to be giant wine cellars) and according to people I've spoken to, it's impossible to find. Also, it's got quite a buzz around it so there's always a big queu but I think that depends on what time you decide to go. It also costs £10 to get in, but I think it's worth it. I really want to go! Performances are always bieng put on and while they are, you can drink till your hearts content. We can all go together!

Blogspotted: Mattias Inks

This is such a cute blog! Mattias A's illustrations are whimsical and so detailed, it's best to zoom in on them to fully appreciate them. Some of his prints are on sale for $900! Anywho, I like his day to day account of what he's been drawing and I like how his drawings reflect what's been interesting him that day. Check it out!

http://mattiasa.blogspot.com/

Giant Objects in Our Environment

Claes Oldenburg's Public Sculpture, L.A.

Giant Fried Eggs: Leeuwarden, Netherlands by Henk Hofstra

World's Largest Chair, Italy

Bregenzer Festspiele’s 1999 Production of Verdi’ s opera “A Masked Ball”, Austria

Make the City Cleaner Campaign, London

Giant Milk: Metrodome Stadium, Minnesota.

World's Largest Basket: Newark, Ohio

Giant Fork by Jean-Pierre Zaugg and Georges Favre, Lake Leman in front of the Alimentarium (the Food Museum) in Vevey, Switzerland

Victorian Freak Show Posters

After listening to an adaption of The Elephant Man on BBC 7 (don't judge), I looked up Victorian Freak Show posters and found myself bieng pulled in two different ways. Yes, the subject matter is horribly insensitive, ignorant, cruel, disturbing and all those other things but the posters themselves are actually rather beautiful. I really love their surreal quality. Look at the impeccably dressed tiny people on top of the table. I love the drawing of the Queen looking all surprised and entertained! I can see myself owning a few and hanging them in my downstairs toilet or something.

I was also thinking that although Freak Shows were horrific and the people were treated like animals etc etc, it's not as if we've changed our voyueristic ways. We're just more socially aware and have the advantage of technological advancement to watch 'freaks' in our living rooms, in private, on TV. 'The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off', 'The Mermaid Baby', 'The Tree Man', 'The Wolf Man'. All of these people with names and families have featured on tacky programmes on channels like Five and Sky1 and their viewings must be high because there's always one of them on. So people who sneer at the Victorians (who, I believe, should be kept in their historical context, for the most part anyway) are probably the ones shouting 'eeeewwww' and covering their eyes when a girl who looks like an 'octopus' is filmed living her everyday life. They are probably the people who go into work the next day saying something like 'Ooh, did you watch the Octopus girl last night... poor thing' etc etc. We're just as bad. Actually, we're worse. Because these programmes are pitched to us from a faux sensitive view point, as if everyone in the country is mature enough to watch some of these people without squirming, laughing or feeling shocked. Yes we don't lock people in cages anymore (which is a good thing, obviously) but the desire to stare at things different from us is still there. At least the Victorians were open and honest about it.

This poster below is a section from a larger poster. Look how it advertises The Stoutest Lady in The World and... Australians!!!! Australians!! Look how happy they are, as well. And the Stoutest Lady in the World is practically anorexic compared to today's obese population. I feel sorry for her, she's a trend setter not a freak. Anyway, all this talk about freak shows has made me want to go to one. Anyone fancy a trip to Eoghan Quigg's house?

http://www.bl.uk/learning/artimages/bodies/freak/gallery/freakgallery.html

Musical Friday

The Dodos - Fools



Beach House - Master of None



Maths Class - Jonny Got The Jawline



Electrelane - To The East



A Hawk and a Hacksaw - I Am Not A Gambling Man



The Cave Singers - Dancing on Our Graves

Cheryl Cole and L'Oreal

Speaking of celebrity endorsements, I've just seen Cheryl Cole's new L'Oreal advert. In it she tells us how to combat 'weak, limp, lifeless' hair. I'm assuming 'hair' is a euphemism for Cheryl's 'personality'. Also, that is probably the most airbrushed photo I have ever seen. In case you haven't guessed, I just don't get Chezza's appeal at all. She has as much spark as a bowl of porridge but omg can the girl has a great stylist! I have the Cheryl's answer to weak, limp and lifeless hair: extensions.

Pointless Celebrity Endorsements

Beyonce Knowles - Crystal Geyser Water

Phew, doing anything for money sure makes you thirsty! Luckily, Beyonce has a bottle of Crystal Geyser Water on hand to wet her whistle. In the advert, Beyonce runs and spins around in a silver sparkly dress singing her 'Sweet Dreams' song whilst clutching a bottle of the pretentious water like it's her saviour, best friend, boyfriend or all three. As she twirls, the magical liquid swirls around her and she splashes it away with her trademark puhzazz. What the hell is going on? She rubs the bottle against her chest, perches it on her shoulder like a parrot and looks completely awkward. She's probably never had one sip of it in her life. She only likes to hold it and dance with it. The advert was filmed in Japan and she probably thought 'At least no-one in America will see it!' Shame about the internet. We now all know that Beyonce will put her name on anything. Hang on, we already knew that. House of Derion anyone?

Kim Cattrall - Earl Grey Tea

I understand that life after playing one of the most famous TV characters in recent times can be tough. Type-cast and bored, you needs that role that will change it all. Something gritty, challenging, controversial perhaps? Or maybe something that shows your sensitive side or ability to put on a good Scottish accent? Lets get your name back out there, Kim. I can see it in lights: 'Kim Cattrall as you've never seen her before... First came the Sex, then the City, now the drugs? Oh, you didn't get the part? The murder? Oh, they gave it to Jessica Alba?. The treachory? You didn't even bother to go to the audition? Hhmmm... I've got it! The tea! Samantha who?

Jessica Simpson - Proactiv

This one is so embarrassing. It's like Jessica was thinking "The world watched as my marriage fell apart, took the piss out of me in high waisted jeans, made fun of my giant mouth (maybe that's just me!).... How else can I make a fool out of myself?" Admit you have really bad acne and star in one of the cheesiest adverts on TV is a good start. It's bad enough that you're ugly sister had a nose job and now looks better than you but now the whole world can count the number of spots on your face. The product must work though. Look at her skin in this picture. It's so smooth and creamy! And her teeth are so white. And her hair is so shiny. And she has no bags or lines on her face. And she almost looks like a cartoon. Hey, wait a minute...


Gordon Ramsay - Gordon's Gin

This is just lazy! Gordon's name is Gordon. And the gin's name is Gordon. OMG! I totally get it! They have the same name, which obviously means that Ramsay loves the alcoholic bevvy and wants us all buy it. This giant billboard was outside my house in Manchester for about six months. Everytime I washed up I could see Gordon's liney face staring angrily at me, his puffy eyes penetrating into mine. It almost lead me to drink so I suppose the advert kind of worked. Notice how the product they're selling has been shrunk and is poking up at the bottom of the poster. They couldn't even be bothered to put a full picture of the bottle on it! If you were really far away all you'd see it a giant picture of Gordon's face and the word 'average' next to it and you'd think 'yeah, that's so true. He is average. All he does is swear and have affairs. I'll stick to Pierre Marco-White. At least he's sexy!' Average is the most offensive word in the English language? I can think of two more. One begins with G and the other begins with R.

George Clooney - Nespresso

Unfortunately, Kim Cattrall was really convincing in that Earl Grey advert, so I'm more of a tea girl than an espresso girl. Oh wait. George Clooney is the face of Nespresso? This is so wierd. All of a sudden I'm craving coffee. I mean, if George drinks it, I want to drink it too. Come on. George Clooney? Really? Could it get any more random? Looks how he's tapping the little capsule of coffee!

Coffee Capsule: I'm so depressed.

George Clooney: Why, coffee capsule?

Coffee Capsule: I've been in Hollywood for ten years. Where's my big break?

George Clooney: Don't worry, something will come up soon.

Coffee Capsule: But when? Is starring in this advert the best I can do? I was trained under the philosophy of Stanislavski for God's sake.

George Clooney: Stanis who?

Coffee Capsule: Never mind.

George Clooney: Come on, Capsule, it's not that bad! We're getting paid millions just to sit and pretend to drink coffee. I mean, I don't even like coffee! No offence.

Coffee Capsule: You're getting paid millions? I'm getting nothing. Nothing! *Starts Crying*

George Clooney: *Tap Tap* There, there Coffee Capsule. There, there. *Tap tap*

Tatler's 300 year celebration

I like Tatler because it is so removed from most British people's reality, it makes a brilliant form of escapism and insight into how the other third live. It is quite witty when it wants to be and, like Horse and Hound and Country Life, I respect its lineage and the way it's stuck around despite the fact most people can't afford to buy an issue of it let alone a £4.5 million town house in London or 20 horses in Shropshire. And, let's face it, people hate Toffs so it has a lot of stereotyping to overcome.

But the mag delivers lovely editorials, interesting stories about scandalous society women (I adore those kind of women, like Gorgiana Duchess of Devonshire and Isabella Blow) and has relevant fashion and beauty features, despite the fact that its orignal readers wouldn't have been caught dead in anything other than a Barbour jacket and jodhpurs.

The 300 year celebration November issue is out now, with a funky pull out cover of the Queen. Rather!

Up!

On Saturday me and my man went to see Up! 3D in Covent Garden. The words that spring to mind are 'go' and 'see' and 'it'. It was absolutely brilliant! The attention to detail was unreal, like the typically sophisticated fur and fabric that Pixar do so well. I liked it because it didn't feel too much like a hightech animation, though. There are moments when it seemed like a cartoon, the house bieng a good example of that. This meant the film had charm and innocence, reminiscent of Toy Story, and it also meant that the audience could focus on the story as opposed to the advancement of animation since the last film.

Oh God, I started to cry within the first five minutes. Gah, it's so sad. My 3D glasses were steaming up (as if I needed another reason to look like an absolute nerd) and my makeup was ruined by the end of it. And I actually 'LOL-ed' (which is something I don't usually do in public, especially when others are laughing too. I find communal happiness very cringe-worthy. Is that wierd?) many times, and it's not even catered towards my sense of humour.

You've got to see this film. It's an incredibly fun way to pass a couple of hours and you might come away with more then you bargained for...

Marion Vidal

Marion Vidal is one of my fave jewellery designers. I was given one of her necklaces in January this year and want more pieces! Vidal is based in Paris and spent six years studying architecture in Paris and Milan and got a degree at the Royal Academy of Fine Arts. She blends her love of strong structures, natural materials and jewellert of the past to make her unnusual designs. The necklace I have is massive with huge balls lined up next to eachother on ribbon. It looks heavy, but the balls are made of wood, covered in ceramic so it's light as a feather. Ooh la la!

http://www.marionvidal.com/

Alec Soth

A nominee member of Magnum Photos in 2004, Alec Soth work is featured in many of the major galleries in America. The San Franciisco MOMA and the Museum of Fine Arts Houston, to name a couple. I bloody love this Minnesota boy's style. Go check him out, you won't be disappointed.

Musical Friday

Due to the lack of Musical Friday and the lateness of the one today, I though it would be nice to add a few extra videos onto the list. I'm just nice like that. Hooray Friday!

The Drums - Surfing



Rainbow Arabia - Haunted Hall



Band of Horses - The Great Salt Lake



Pit Er Pat - Solstice



The Horrors - Sea Within A Sea



First Aid Kit - Hard Believer



Devendra Banhart - Seahorse



Born Ruffians - I Need A Life



Priestbird - Season of the Sun

Weird Toilets