Films you should never see...

Obsessed, 2009

When I saw this film the only thing I was obsessed with was finding the exit. Beyonce and her man are oh so happy and don't they want us to know it! They've got a kid and have bought a new house in suburbia. Omg! Could it get any more perfect? Of course it can't! A home-wrecking slut tries to ruin their lives by coming on to Beyonce's man at... the office Christmas party, of course! She gets more scary; telling people she's his wife, following him on business trips and scariest of all, sneaking into his house to sprinkle rose pettles on the bed. Aaahhhh! It's so scary!

Beyonce starts off all sweet and homely, as if she's watched too many episodes of Dezzy Wives. But perhaps producers thought she would alienate certain viewers, so all of a sudden she becomes incredibly ghetto shouting things like 'Bitch, I know you di-ehnt' and 'No skinny ass ho' is gonna steal my man.' It's all very odd and incredibly awful and Beyonce gave the one of worst performances of the whole year so far. Nice one, girlfriend!

Beyonce: I hope he won't notice I just let one rip...

Idris Elba: Sniff, sniff. What the...?

Georgia Rule, 2007

They should have made it a rule to never, ever let anyone release this horrific mess of a film. Lindsay Lohan plays a slut *insert obvious joke here* who goes to stay at her granny, Georgia's house (no, her last name is not Rule, it's just a saying duh). The town she's stranded in is sleepy and quiet and, well, Linds is just a city girl who wants to have fun. She makes passes at older men, smokes (oooh naughty!) and alienates all the girls around her. She also has issues with her mum, Felicity Huffman, who drinks a lot and wears a very odd wig halfway through the film. Of course, they break down walls, reveal their deepest (shallowest) souls and out Lindsay's child abuse pain, caused by her step-dad. Granny, mum and Lindsay come together and live happily ever after. Rigid acting, pointless script and a sense that the actors are cringing all the way through makes horrible viewing.

Male-Model Turned Actor: So this is how you got The Parent Trap!

Lindsay Lohan: Gulp.

Rumour Has It, 2005

Probably the most surreal storyline ever created in the history of really, really bad rom-coms. Jennifer plays Sarah Huttinger who finds out The Graduate is based on her dead mother and grandmother's affair with a man named Beau Burroughs. Always feeling different from her family, it dawns on her that because her mother had an affair with Beau (Costner), he might be her father.

With the knowledge that this man shagged her mum and her nan, she goes to find him to get some answers. He's not her dad (he's impotent due to a hockey accident or something) so she sleeps with him.

They have an affair until she meets... HIS SON. So he's not impotent? Omg, Jennifer just slept with her dad! For most people, that kind of thing generally leads to therapy or suicide, but Jen just has a brief 30 second freak-out moment until she finds out the kid's adopted. Phew! Anyway, she dumps him and sorts her family life out and all is great. The wierdest bit is when she tells her sister the story and she goes 'You slept with dad? Eeewww!' completely casually. These people are freaks.

Kevin Costner: Don't shay my career is ovah. Hiccup. Thish ish a ggrreaat film. Hiccup.

Jennifer Anniston: I miss Friends...

Match Point, 2005

Woody Allen, what the hell were you thinking? How can you not see that Match Point is a horrible, horrible film? The acting, the script, the over-dramatic story line. Oh, it's too much to bare! Chris Wilton is a tennis pro (with the wierdest Irish/English/French accent I have ever heard) moves to posh London to teach tennis. Geddit? Match Point? Anywho, he meets posho Tom and his boring posho sister Chloe, who he dates. He meets Tom's, oh-so deep American actress girlfriend Nola (Johansson) and embarks on an affair. It all gets out of control. She gets up the duff and all of a sudden transforms into a nagging, self-loathing, obessesive mistress set to ruin Chris's life. So 0bviously he shoots her and her neighbour for shits and gigs. Honestly, it all comes out of nowhere.

The script is hilarious. It's almost as if they're improvising and the scenes are way to long. Allen, who usually always gets his environments spot on, paints London in a one dimensional light. It seems snobby, unrealistc and fake. Much like the film itself. It's a puke-fest. Don't bother.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers: We're talking about ping-pong. Interesting, huh?

Scarlett Johansson: ZZzzzzzzz......